On April 21, 2020 I lost my husband to frontotemporal degeneration (which leads to dementia) and ALS. The following journal entries explain some of what I was feeling in the months after his death....

February 24, 2021: I have realized that no one can really understand what it is like to lose the love of your life unless they have lived it.... Right now, I am in a dinghy on the ocean. I'm bobbing around wondering which way I should go. I have oars, but if I use them before I know which way to go, I may find myself farther from my destination. For the moment, I will just sit here waiting for God to send a breeze or a current to start me in the right direction. The good news is that I am in the dinghy and not in the water anymore.

May 24. 2021: ... To this point, I have been encased in fog which is probably the reason that I have not known which way to row. My life in the dinghy is very similar to the weather we have been having in Texas recently. The fog is starting to lift, and I see glimpses of the sky, however, many days I am experiencing scattered showers. Things seem to be going well and then "BAM!" a memory, a conversation, a random thought brings on the rain. I feel a tingle behind my eyes and nose, and I struggle to contain the tears. Just as quickly as they came on, they go away, and I see the sky again. Sometimes, though, the scattered showers develop into a full-blown thunderstorm and, if the storm is really sever, there may be hail pelting me as I try to bail out the boat....

The good news is that on the sunny days, I am starting to feel like myself again.... I am now able to row my boat toward a general direction. I am still not sure of the final destination, but I know which way to row.

April 6, 2024: Ten days ago I married my second great love. I started this painting in 2021. I was never completely satisfied with the way it turned out. Yesterday, I added the sun and I can finally say that the painting is finished. I still have cloudy days, but the vast majority of the time, the sun is shining. Thank you Lord!